I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
