I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
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