lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
