The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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