hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
