I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
