Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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