Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
