If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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