My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
