how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
