don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
