textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
