he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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