the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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