note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
