i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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