The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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