Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
