So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
