How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
