so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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