i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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