halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
