I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
