I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
