My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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