I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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