I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
