Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
should my penis look like a turkey
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
