Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
