he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
