Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
