My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Screwed.edu
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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