We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She's the barista slut.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
