Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
