Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
