we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
