Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
