i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
