Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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