Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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