You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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