Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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