some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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