I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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