Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
