saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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