There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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