i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
