i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
